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If you go to dictionary.com, and look up the word “passion”, you will find, at the top of the listing:
pas·sion
/ˈpæʃən/ Show Spelled[pash-uhn] Show IPA
–noun
1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
2.strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.
3. strong sexual desire; lust.
4. an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.
5. a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.
6. a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.
7. the object of such a fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him.
8. an outburst of strong emotion or feeling: He suddenly broke into a passion of bitter words.
9. violent anger.
10. the state of being acted upon or affected by something external, esp. something alien to one’s nature or one’s customary behavior (contrasted with action).
11. (often initial capital letter) Theology.
a. the sufferings of Christ on the cross or His sufferings subsequent to the Last Supper.
b. the narrative of Christ’s sufferings as recorded in the Gospels.
12. Archaic. the sufferings of a martyr.
Right now, the numbers most strongly resonating with me are numbers 1, 8 and 10. In addition, though I’m ashamed to admit it, I have to confess to an inner seething toward 9 … though I know that will pass as the emotions settle and I start to find some new sense of normal.
My dad died Friday.
I am going through those Number Tens a lot right now. I find myself confused, out of control. Yesterday I stormed from a lawyer’s office, totally unable to stop myself, and by the time my husband found me I was almost a mile away, trying to walk home. Home was four miles away, most of which is up a mountainside. There were snow drifts on the sidewalk that I, with my limp and my gimp and my Saluki-head cane, was climbing over and around to try to stay on the narrow strip of sidewalk that had been partially cleared. I didn’t know where I was going, or what I was doing, only that I was experiencing deep grief and violent anger over the knowledge that everyone and his brother are lurking, waiting to take advantage of people in their darkest hour.
Passion.
Though our RAOKA themes are supposed to help us be aware of and acknowledge the good things in life, and help us strive to live our lives to the utmost, for me, the end of February and first days of March have brought out the darker side of Passion.
Yesterday would have been my Mom’s 85th birthday. She died in 2006. Each year since, I’ve baked her favorite pineapple upside down cake and shared it, and her memory, with my Dad.
This year I limped alone, blinded by tears, down a snowy sidewalk in a dark-passion haze of grief.
And yet, the word Passion brings brief glimpses of sunshine as well, as I think of my father. Underlying the current pain, there is a bright sparkle, a memory, images of him:
- With his golf clubs in hand, making sure he got out on the course, even after he’d aged to the point that all he could really do was ride around with his friends in the cart, and get out once in a while to smack a ball.
- Picking me up from school in the fifth grade in a brand new bright fire-engine red 1969 Chevy Malibu, a bright smile on his face and a gleam in his eye. What a car that was!
- Talking about trains, his life’s work, with authority and knowledge.
- Gazing out over a field that had corn growing so high on it that you couldn’t see a foot in front of you, with a look of love and pride on his face, and telling me that this, once the corn was cut down, was going to be his retirement home.
- Standing in the driveway by his first motorcycle, a Honda Goldwing, something he’d worked all his life to own.
Yes, despite the heart-ache, the fear, the feelings of abandonment and grief, and the long, agonizing list of things I still have to do before I can really even sit down and allow myself a good long cry … there are glimpses of Bright Passion when I think of my dad that will, eventually, take preeminence in my heart.
Passion’s not always a good thing.
But it isn’t always bad, either.
Frank W. Stubbs, Jr. (Nov 21st, 1925 - Feb 26th, 2010)
The RAOKA mission seeks to remind us that Random Acts of Kick Arse happen all around us. Each month, a member of Sami’s RAOKA groupies picks a new theme to focus our attention on something positive and good in this world.
On the first Wednesday of the month (or Thursday for you folks living on the other half of this world) we all post about what we’ve observed.
Please visit the other RAOKA members and enjoy their thoughts on the theme of the month:
Sami at Life, Laughs & Lemmings
Lance at Jungle of Life
Dani at Positively Present
Lori at Jane Be Nimble
Zeenat at Positive Provocations
[logo designed by Melissa at Operation Nice]
Your dad had a long and wondrous life. What a fabulous moment captured with him on that motorcycle. You’re lucky to have had two parents who loved you and whom you loved in return. Life is good. Thank you for sharing the dark side of passion with us.
Cheryl from thatgirlisfunny´s last blog ..passion and fascination – two essential ingredients for RAOKA
Gayle, my dear friend … I was so touched by this very moving tribute to your Pop … and by your eloquent musings on passion in its many forms. Like Sami said above, I had never given much thought to the dark side of passion. My wish for you is that with time and healing, you’ll find the happy memories outweighing the sadness, the grief, the feelings of being alone, lost and adrift. I hope the golden memories will help the others fade away with time. Perhaps sharing your heart as you have done will help someone else with their grief and confused feelings. As always, my heart and my prayers are with you daily … sending healing thoughts your way …
Dede´s last blog ..Kentucky Horse Racing
Thank you, my dear friend. I know you’re there for me, even if you’re hundreds of miles away.
Wow Gayze, you have given your grief such a beautiful and powerful voice here. I’ve never thought of passion having a dark side but it really can. You’ve explained that amazingly well. An awesome tribute to your Dad too. I’m sending you big hugs and much love. Take care of yourself.
Sami – Life, Laughs & Lemmings´s last blog ..Random Acts of Kick Arse – Passion
Thank you, Sami. It’s hard, in these early days after such an event, to truly grasp on to the brightness and joy of memories past. Writing my Passion post today has helped me to do that a bit. I’ve even made Dad’s motorcycle photo my screen background, so I can see that grin and victory pose through my tears.
Hi Gayze,
I’m glad you are posting for RAOKA today, Gayze, this crusade wouldn’t be the same without your thoughts here today.
More importantly, thank you for sharing this from your heart; my thoughts and good vibrations are surrounding you like a huge hug. I will be sending you all my best over the coming weeks and months as you deal with such loss.
Also, the photo of your father with the Goldwing was incredibly touching. What an amazing man.
Sending you peace and love!
~xo!
Lori (Jane Be Nimble)´s last blog ..RAOKA: Passion
Thank you, Lori. That was my dad’s first Goldwing, photo taken circa 1977 or so. He traded that up for an even larger one some years later and he rode that bike till he was in his seventies, when a friend of mine bought it from him after Pop found he had trouble keeping the thing upright.
Gayle,
Sending peace your way, in the loss of your father. And may the moments that have been a challenge, lead to brighter days ahead.
Lance´s last blog ..RAOKA: Passion
Thank you so much, Lance, you’re very kind.
[...] from Jane Be Nimble Dani from Positively Present Lance from The Jungle of Life Gayze from Gayzehound’s Animal Communication Zeenat from Positive [...]
[...] at Life, Laughs & Lemmings Lance at Jungle of Life Dani at Positively Present Gayze at Gazehound’s Animal Communication Zeenat at Positive [...]